September 18 2014, 03:43 PM
I just wanted to say that I started this story like over a year ago and like a few days ago I remembered and I found it and started reading again. I totally ship Najm and Ayanna even tho it's wrong lol I hate Max and.. I'm excited to see what's going to happen, cause I still have a few chapters left to read :)

I’m glad you found your way back. A few people seem to be drawn to Najm and Ayanna’s relationship even though it’s “unethical.” What’s going to happen next will (in my opinion) summarize things up until next time 

September 18 2014, 03:41 PM
So yeah, i started reading this story this week, on chapter 20 and wow. I must say you are an excellent write because you have me reading things i never would. but the way you drew your characters have me wanting to understand their turmoil and hoping for the best for them. everyone needs help in some arena, the bravery is asking. I saw that this is a fan fic, do you have a character list?

Thank you very much for the compliment. I do have a character list it’s just under construction at the moment 

September 18 2014, 03:40 PM
yikes at ayanna burning up joelle's car. for some reason, i kept feeling like it was the wrong car lol. as much as i want max to stay out of dodge, i doubt their talk is gonna stop him.

Nope that was Jo’s ride. Max is a tortured soul right now. Nothing concrete is getting through to him 

August 31 2014, 07:29 PM
“Ayanna, no!”
That was Leah for you. She knew me and my capacity to cause trouble but it was too late. I threw it and the car went up in flames. It wasn’t very exciting to begin with but soon it burned angry and fierce and beautiful. I undid my shades and placed them on. Behind black lenses I watched my creation consume. Metal twisted and snapped, the heat brushing my face with a harshness I found strangely appealing. I inhaled my smoke, let the cloves hit my lungs hard before I exhaled deep all the while enjoying the view.
I’d set off a bonfire.
Not because I wanted to damage property or because I had some private urge to be a pyromaniac, this was a motherfuckling cleanse. As absolvement of something that was no more ♥

“Ayanna, no!”

That was Leah for you. She knew me and my capacity to cause trouble but it was too late. I threw it and the car went up in flames. It wasn’t very exciting to begin with but soon it burned angry and fierce and beautiful. I undid my shades and placed them on. Behind black lenses I watched my creation consume. Metal twisted and snapped, the heat brushing my face with a harshness I found strangely appealing. I inhaled my smoke, let the cloves hit my lungs hard before I exhaled deep all the while enjoying the view.

I’d set off a bonfire.

Not because I wanted to damage property or because I had some private urge to be a pyromaniac, this was a motherfuckling cleanse. As absolvement of something that was no more 


August 31 2014, 07:28 PM

55: Bonfire


Polvorón and green tea.

They were the pretext of a conversation neither of us wanted to have.

The tiny kitchen window with the prison bars and the tired yellow paint had been dressed up as much as possible but it gave off a forced cheerfulness, not an actual one because this place hadn’t seen a whole lot of happiness. Pain, disappointment, grief, it all kind of lingered about like an active haunting. That was the ambiance when the lady of the house had been through her fair share of hell. The scent of vanilla, the fresh baked cookies and the framed picture of Micaela Villegas only helped the mood some. La Perricholi was like the 18th century Peruvian version of Marilyn Monroe, a famed entertainer who was allegedly a mistress to a dude in high places. Her Mona Lisa smile seemed to indicate that everything was relative, that it was all going to be okay but the verdict was still out on that. I was seated with the woman I considered to be an honorary mother. Having a sit down with her was all good and well, I enjoyed her company tremendously, I just wasn’t feeling the reason why we were face to face. At this point, we were past pleasantries and small talk. The only thing left to go over was the real.

Magdalena was having some trouble broaching the uncomfortable so I took it upon myself to get this started. I wasn’t intending to go for the jugular but I couldn’t be delicate with this.

“Do you remember the first time?” I asked. “I don’t want to but I do. It’s in crystal clear, HD quality. We were arguing. It got bad. We were too emotional, I felt that but I never thought that would happen. I don’t know, I’ve never been one to put anything past somebody but I wasn’t prepared for that. How could anybody be prepared for that? Five fingers to the face is not anything I had ever experienced before. There was this still moment I had right after he did it. I was so caught up, so mentally blown, I didn’t know how to react. It set a precedence because everytime after that, I paused. He puts a hand on me and my first reaction is the most dangerous: no reaction. I’m frozen. I’m paralyzed. I’m afraid. I legitimately fear someone that I love at the same time. If that’s not the ultimate conundrum then I don’t know what is so I’m asking, was that how it was for you?”

My words had to have struck several chords because her eyes filled up. I didn’t want to inspire tears but apparently, I had done a number on the both of us. I wasn’t cognizant at first but then I felt wetness on my cheeks. I thought I was done with that but I guess my experiences weren’t finished with me just yet. I told Mosai I didn’t want to talk about everything that went down because articulating what still remained fresh on my mind felt impossible. Writing was a start but it would hardly begin to cover what I had buried deep. The only reason I hadn’t spun out and damaged myself further was because of lover. My self-respect was another reason but I knew my own pattern. Something happens when I feel wronged. I get this streak in me. A fuck-everything streak that made me react first and think later but not this time. I had a human buffer. I was good. I was excellent. My life was shaping into something nice and I was sitting her shedding water for someone who reduced me to fragments. Two months give or take and I had been transformed into someone unrecognizable. Having space from that only hit home more how fucked I was.

It hurt.

I was still hurt.

Magdalena was feeling that.

It was probability that 1 out of 4 women in their lifetime would experience domestic violence but we were 2 for 2 at this table.

“I am so sorry,” Magdalena said wiping at her face with the back of her hand. “He would not tell me anything in detail but even if he had said nothing at all, I would’ve know. I know my child and I know what his father used to do to me. I pray. Every since he was born, I pray that he would be nothing like him but my wishes were not heard. I can do nothing to change what happened to you but I apologize. From the depth of my heart, woman to woman, I apologize.”

I reached over and rubbed her hand. “It’s not your place to account for actions that weren’t your own. None of this is your fault. He’s not your responsibility.”

“Don’t you see that he is? I am a mother Ayanna. He is my flesh and blood, my image and he disgraced himself. I let all of those things happen to him.” She put her hand over her chest and I knew the weight there was nothing nice. “I don’t know how to feel. I am so angry, so let down, so appalled at his character and then I think of what he experienced and I could falter. He is repeating a cycle, not because he wants to but because it was already written for him. Like you were. If Max had not crossed paths with you, he would be dead right now. You saved him. You saved him and now he abandons you. He loves you. I cannot question that but his love has become too much. He loves you too much.”

With some people that  might not be such a horrible thing.

Love was supposed to be sent out in mass. You were supposed to give it in abundance and once you got it, you gave it back. It was a reciprocal process but I’d gotten a raw deal. Being on the receiving end of love had broken me into pieces. I had been put back together thankfully, built back up by those in my life who really cared but all of them sharp edges, those cracks, they were still present. Invisible but still there. I hadn’t forgotten how his touches felt and I probably wouldn’t ever but dwelling on that was only going to bring me back to square one and since I had already collected my cash and passed green, I wasn’t revisiting. I was going to be happy, even if it killed me. Not having Max around cut, I wasn’t resolved with that yet but I wasn’t asking to be. I wasn’t going to be square when it came to him for sometime to come but I knew better than to repeat my mistakes. I was starting to realize that I loved myself way more than that.

He didn’t.

“Max might think he knows what love is but any definition he’s going with don’t measure up to mine. Magdalena, I’m okay. I wasn’t at first but I’m getting there. I know who’s real around me. I understand my worth better and I’m in love. I have someone who thinks of me like a princess, no it’s more like he treats me like a queen but Max, he made me out to be common. I’m not that. I mean this as respectfully as possible but su hijo es un monstruo. Él es el mal.  Él tomó mi alma but the scariest part of all of this is that couldn’t even help it.”

“He can and he will because he has to. Ayanna he needs you. You are the only one who can get through to him. I know I am wrong for asking, for even thinking that you’d want anything to do with him but I am begging you. There are no expectations, all I can do is hope that you’ll reach out to him. He is suffering. Max is so gone. I see him just yesterday and his hand is broken. No explanation as to how, just another platitude. I cannot lose him and I’m going to without your help.”

I wanted to turn the table over.

I had every right to show outrage over what was being presented to me. For her to pose this to me was out of bounds but I couldn’t act out. Not with her. Magdalena looked so small. So tired of fighting and defending someone she knew in her heart of hearts was damaged beyond repair but you had to respect the drive. Max had this woman going insane on his behalf. He was steady pounding her heart and she was steady braving blow after blow. She didn’t like who Max had become but disapproval didn’t dismiss love.

As fucked up as it was, this lady loved her kid.                                          

And that, above all else influenced her to ask the impossible of me.

There was more going on here though. I knew who really was the mastermind here.

“He asked you to to do this, didn’t he?”

Magdalena’s lack of reply told me that. This fucker was bold. He couldn’t get at me any other way so he had his mother do his dirty work. The desperation was that real and sent up more than a few red flags. I almost preferred the stalking activities to this. This was getting an innocent involved. I always tried to project it but I wasn’t heartless and no matter how much I didn’t want to be, I was affected. She meant something to me and he knew that. Ever since I met Magdalena, I felt for her. This woman was warm and kind and she loved me like I was hers. Staring at her burden made me falter.

“I’ll see what I can do, okay?”

An inkling of hope crept into her face. “You are his angel and you are mine.”

I got up and wrapped my arms around her. She squeezed me hard, kissing my cheek. “I’m far from that but thanks for thinking so. Do something nice for yourself. Nobody else but you.” I had slipped greenbacks into her pocket, not for her to donate or give to some downtrodden neighbor or family member. Magdalena was one of those people that never lived for her own pleasure but others. If I could help her enjoy herself, then my day was a little brighter.

She shook her head, wanting to remove the cash but I held her hand still. “You’re a beautiful woman, you should have something for yourself. I mean it woman.”

She gave me a long stare then nodded, seeing me to the door. “Thank you Ayanna.”

“You’re welcome. Chau mami.


I waved going down the rickety steps from her apartment and kept my smile until I cleared the door but when I got back to my car, it faded. Things were sinking in. I had agreed to let Max back in. It was no grand gesture but making it would mean more to him than it actually did. I wanted to back out of it. How could I willingly reach out to him? What were we supposed to discuss? 100 ways to humiliate your significant other? How happy I was to see the man that graced my eye with his fist? It made no sense for me to be doing this but I didn’t divy out my word unless I was meaning to keep it. I could do this. Not over the phone or via keystroke either. I was going to take this one step further.

“Call Yoshi,” I said out loud as I took off.

The hands-free system rang a good fifteen times before Queen B picked up. “Yeah?”

“Three hours. I need you dressed and ready to go in three hours so tell Rodney to get his last in.”

“Is there some reason you’re interrupting my all day fuck-fest?”

“Yes but you won’t know until I come scoop you. Be outside. You know I hate buzzing and double-parking.”

“Fine. To be so little you’re very bosy but I’ll bite. I’ll be there but you better make whatever this is good. I have an endless supply of bud, numerous potions and a stiff dick all at my immediate disposal. Show me a good time.”

“Don’t know about good but I can guarantee you interesting.”

I called my other sister next.

“Leah T, my best of the best buddy, my sugar, honey and iced tea, light of my life, I need you to roll with me somewhere.”

“And you had to go through all of that to ask me?” she joked.

“Had to add some flair.”

“I’ll go with you but where are we going?”

“Somewhere you’d least expect.”

With my two person crew assembled, I went back to Mosai’s place only to feel extreme guilt about what I was going to do. I didn’t want to qualify this as deception but for me, right now, it was better that he not know about my plans. Even better that he wasn’t here and couldn’t be reached until a lot later. If he knew where I was headed he’d tie me to the bed and barricade every door. I appreciated his protectiveness even in the theoretical but I was doing this. I didn’t contemplate my wares much, I just had a color palette in mind. One color: black. It was the only suitable for this occasion. High-waisted 80’s jeans tucked in boots, sports bra and my trusted army jacket. I hadn’t pulled that out in sometime but tonight was as good a time as any. Severe top knot, monster hoops, black lipstick and I read ready for war. My shades got tucked into the top of my shirt as I went to the safe in our closet. My hand hovered over my tool of choice. Peggy sat in good company along with some other weapons. Mosai was a pretty boy but that didn’t mean he couldn’t carry himself. He was toned down but he wouldn’t hesitate to turn back up if the situation called for it.

It didn’t tonight.

I’d let my gun rest. It wasn’t going to be that kind of party. No battles just a very brief detente. Pocketing a fresh pack and a matchbook. I started to head out but stopped and picked up the framed photo sitting by the bed. Mosai had silently transferred the photo of him, Cai and shorty to Davina’s room. Now one of us was there. We were at a restaurant a couple of weeks ago when a couple of eager photographers had snapped at us while we were cozied up at a table. I sat on his lap, offering him a pull from my smoke. To the outside world we were the couple to hypothesize about, people were always interested in who a model was dating but between us we were just two people who just really dug each other. We needed no public proclamation or notoriety to be who we were. We were secure, nestled in our own world and that’s how it would always be.

I loved him something crazy because at his core, Mosai was a man.

A real fucking man who put his daughter at the highest level, who took care of his, who never made me feel unsafe. He had pissed me off extraordinarily, we’d had major misunderstandings and we’d both hurt each other but the deciding factor with him was that he had never made me feel fear. When it came down to it, he wouldn’t put me in real danger. He wouldn’t cry to express his love and he wouldn’t break any bones in my face to show it. Abuse was a non-factor with him because he wasn’t the person to take his anger out on a woman’s body. He had the ability, just not the mentality.

I trusted that.

I trusted him.

At this time in my life, that was worth everything.

Mosai was everything.

I knew where my allegiance was now. Whatever happened tonight wouldn’t change that. I left out, feeling secure. That sensation didn’t falter when I walked into my destination and saw myself. Not like in a mirror but I was reflected. I was everywhere. People were marveling at me, discussing me with complimentary wine and refreshments in hand. Some of me had been sold, red stickers indicating that I’d been bought. I was being distributed because I was goods. It was strange for me but stranger for them. One step in the gallery and I was being stared at like an optical illusions. I was in two places at one time.

In the flesh and on the walls.

I forgot about this, that the whole evening was geared around me. I easily ignored the inquisitive and lingering looks.

“Is this—”

“Yes,” I said.

“And that motherfucker is—”


Yoshi and Leah stood to my left and right, both unpleasantly surprised at where I’d brought them to. From their expressions, they were both wearing, they didn’t approve of this outing.

“What in actual fuck are we doing here Ayana?” I took a glass from a passing waiter and stepped up to the largest painting of myself. Like the first time I saw it, I didn’t know how to take it. I looked like myself but at the same time something was off about this depiction. I turned around and faced my girls.

“Culture of course. We can all use it.” Their screw faces turned more sour. “Look, I gave my promise that I’d take a step forward so that’s what I’m doing.” I nodded along with The Weeknd’s “What You Need.” That selection was purposeful of course. Nothing made me more agreeable than Abel Tesfaye and his sorrowful yet sex voice. Again I got quizzical/head scratching looks. I was standing in the gallery showing of a man who had for a time crushed my very spirit and was rocking to the music like that was nothing.

They didn’t understand.

“I get that you want to bust up the joint and give everyone a taste of the real deal but you don’t need to be here. This fuck doesn’t deserve to be in your air space, let alone get a moment of your time,” Yoshi lamented.

“He got enough of that,” Leah added.

“Ladies, there are no misconceptions here. We’re not going to kiss, make up and run off into the sunset. I’m not inviting him to touch me, I’m just here to show my face because his mother says he needs that. If seeing me will help her help him, I’m for it.”

Yoshi sucked her teeth. “I get it. Mothers are gold, we gotta protect them but you’re better than me. I’d leave his traitorous ass to his demons and send a Hail Mary up on Moms behalf. I don’t forgive and I damn sure don’t forget. We’ll follow your lead and by that, I mean we’ll actually tail you.”

“Nothing’s going to happen.”

“That’s right because we’re going to be with you every step of the way.”

That was Leah backing Yoshi up.

My friends were all business and part of that was them willing to go toe to toe with Max. We were at his show, on his turf and there was no kind feelings around. I had nerve. I had audacity. I had the balls to be walking through here like everything was fine and dandy. Strangely, it was. I didn’t feel so apprehensive. I felt like a cool breeze but like breezes, I shifted and ended up committing a crime.

I was leaning against Leah, pointing out the embellishments of one painting when people parted and she stood there. I guess I should’ve seen this coming. She would be here, she’d had her claws in him for a while now. It could be my fault. I had brought her around again but who knew that birthday sex would result in this treacherous chick still slithering around? Leah and Yosh stopped talking, noticing my switch. Joelle came up to me and I stood there gearing up for whatever was going to take place here. With half an inspection, I noticed that something was off about her. Her looks were different. She’d gained a little but it was more than that. I quietly wondered if Max was getting warmed up with her but I stopped myself from asking. I stopped myself from speaking at all.

“Ayanna I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Yoshi snorted. “That’s the best she could do?”

Joelle decided to ignore that, attempting to warm me up more. “I know we’re not friends, we’re not acquaintances but I’m sorry for what happened to you and I think you’re owned the truth. Max hasn’t given either of us that lately so I will. I’m pregnant. I just thought you should know that.”

To further demonstrate that, she placed one hand under her stomach. Sure enough there was a bump. This bitch had a plus one and somehow she thought that information was supposed to fill me. It filled me alright. With the need to wrap my bare hands around her neck. I smiled widely because if I didn’t, I was going to snap and losing it on an expectant mother was not how I wanted to be remembered. I didn’t hate the baby, you couldn’t hold a grudge on somebody innocent but I could despise his or her’s mother. Her and the super sleazy son of a bitch motherucker who hadn’t bothered to pull out. I wasn’t the only one feeling negatively. Yoshi vocalized her feelings while I felt a stinging disapproval from Leah. If Joelle wanted to be a crowd favorite, she wasn’t going to win over my squad.

I bit into the inside of my mouth, twisting my lips like I found this shit most amusing. “You thought I should know so I could have just cause to bash your face in right? That’s how I’m feeling right now.”

Joelle took a step back. “I don’t want any trouble.”

I covered that distance and invaded her personal space. “You’re right. You don’t want any with me. Congradulations. You won. You wanted him and you got his sperm as the grand prize. Now that you got that off your chest, take you and yours and get the fuck out of my face.”

That was a bully move but I didn’t really mind her thinking bad of me. She needed to understand that I harbored nothing but ill will toward her. Joelle wasn’t a punk but she wasn’t stupid either. The signals I were sending out said I was in no mood to be tried. She walked off but her words still lingered. I had one of those moments then. Nothing made sense because again, it was like the rug was being pulled out from under me. Why care right? An illegitimate had little to do with me or my life but it did. I wouldn’t be feeling like my chest was going to pop open if it didn’t. The lies, the amount of them, the magnitude of them was unbelievable. This was not a recent discovery. She was more than a few months which meant this pre-dated anything Max and I had. He knew and he kept his new family to himself. I was guilty of a lot, I could be casting the first stone and shit but when you were with someone in a “relationship” capacity, it should make you automatically privy to whether or not you could potentially be someone’s stepmom. I didn’t how I looked but it couldn’t have been good.

“And it gets worse,” Yoshi commented. “This is really thick. Baby momma bitch making confessions like she just listened to Usher. I’m sorry about that but now you know who you’re really dealing with Yanna…Ayanna?”

“Where are you going?” Leah called out.

I heard them, I did, but my focus was elsewhere.

On him.

He was standing in the opposite corner of the room, talking with some silicone broad, too eager to have his attention. She lost that the second our eyes met. I didn’t cause a scene, didn’t approach at all. I walked by. He’d follow. He always did. I left the main floor and went back into staging area of the gallery and down some narrow steps that led to what looked like storage. A shadowed, pretty secluded area was not the best environment to meet up with a confirmed batterer but anger invalidated any reasonable concerns I had for my safety.

There were footsteps and then he was there.

Handsome as always in a leather shirt and jeans. The hair I had ran my fingers through on so many occasions was out, framing his face and his manicured beard. Take our experience away, our past and I’d want to get to know him. I’d butter him up with my wit, listen to him go on about his art and I’d probably take him home after. I almost wished that were the case. That this was our first meeting, that I didn’t know about his daddy issues, his sexual issues, his confidence issues but wishing never solved any real problem and time machines were hard to come by so I put that thought away and returned to reality.

“She wasn’t exaggerating about the hand,” I said. “How’d you come by that?”

Max didn’t answer at first, he seemed dumbfounded right now. He touched the cast going up his arm. “Ask your man that question,” he replied. His brown eyes filled with the anxiousness of a starving man. It was the personification of fanaticism. A look I was, unfortunately, familiar with. “You came…I asked, I just didn’t think that you would…” He saw the hardness of my features and stopped rambling. “You look amazing. I’m glad that you came, that you found it in your heart to come. You don’t know how much it means. I’ve been fucked up since everything happened and seeing you, it makes a difference. I’m sorry Ayanna. I’m so sorry. For all of it. It’s beyond forgiveness, I know that but I’m working on not being that man. I’m going to therapy again and I—-”

“Where you ever going to tell me?” I interrupted his apology session because I wasn’t there for it. I trusted nothing he had to say because I didn’t have a grasp on him anymore. My bullshit detector with him was out of commission so I was choosing not to listen to him. All I was looking for was the truth. The little light we had vanished overhead. My back up had come to stand watch. Leah and Yosh fixed Max with looks severe enough to melt you on contact but remained quiet. This was my conversation.

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking a—”

“I think you do. Your namesake, your offspring, the fruit of your loins—when were you going to tell me about your span?”

He dropped his gaze, his face drawn with defeated recognition. His baby mother had just added a whole other dimension to this. “I was going to.”

“Eventually right? When it was most convenient for you, when you had me suckered and screwed so much that I would’ve just went along with your bastard.”

“It wasn’t good timing. You’d just had your own situation.”

I looked off into space trying to figure that one out. “Oh, so you were thinking of me when you decided to be dishonest because somehow me making the correct choice for me and having an abortion stopped you from opening your mouth? What the hell is wrong with me then? I should be grateful that you cared just that much.”

I cackled at the ridiculousness of what we were now and decided that I was going to kill our relationship this time.

“Well, since we’re both in the revealing mood, let me put you on to a few of my activities. I bet you thought you were it, that you and you alone were hitting this, so let me clear that up for you: you had some competition and you didn’t even know it. You caught onto Mosai. That was a no-brainer because you’ve been threatened by him since introduction. Why wouldn’t you be? Unlike you, he’s a man. Even if he didn’t put it down the way it does, I’d still be attracted to him but because he beats it up something nice, I’m even more into him.”

Max swallowed. I continued.

“You knew about him but you weren’t aware of Malik or Dean or my chick on chick interaction with Kristina. Who else am I forgetting? That’s right, Silvio. You remember him, you got to. He was that waiter you were trying so hard to flex on. I had to make up for your behavior Max and I did that orally. You might’ve detected something extra when you kissed me after. You were getting another man’s sample. I personally enjoyed it but you I’m guessing you can’t say the same.”

“That’s not…you’re lying.”

“I have no reason to do that. Homie was seven inches give or take but that width? It was a beast. Keeping control of my gag reflex was difficult but you know me, I love a challenge.”

Max closed his eyes, his skin slowly turning green. “Close your mouth.”

“That’s exactly what I didn’t do.”

I felt his rage building but it wasn’t enough. The Hulk wasn’t the Hulk until he was bulging and coming out his clothes. We were almost there. I just needed to ice this cake. I put my hand up, telling my security team not to intervene. I didn’t need the assistance. I wasn’t scared. Max was very small to me right now.

“I would’ve given you the same treatment willingly but I don’t do my best when I’m pushed to my knees and shoved into. I don’t know about you but I’ll never forget that morning. Me crying hysterically, you still going at it anyway.” I got on top of him, my body against him and him against the wall. I slapped my hand against it, slower than faster. “That was the rhythm. I just knew you would be finished quick but you kept going like a rigid body was what turned you on the most. Control has that effect on some people.” I yanked up his good hand and gripped his fingers. “These went down my throat and this,” I said grabbing his dick, “this went into an unsanctioned hole. You don’t know love until you have rectal bleeding.”

He moved, tried to get my hands off of him but I wasn’t letting go. He hadn’t. We were going to switch roles and to effectively do that he needed to understand what it felt like to be ruined inside and out.

“It ended with me choking on spit and you unloading all over me. It’s a toss up but I think I’d rather be spewed on then have you cum inside of like last time. You have no idea how quick I took the kill pill after that. My ass could barely walk but I made it to the drugstore because having a piece of you inside me was out of the question. Getting knocked up before  was bad but I think our situation would’ve trumped that. I’d rather have a kid with deformities than have one from a pseudo-rape.”

It was too much for him to hear his crimes. This simulation was a bit too real for him. Max pulled away from me violently, his eyes wild. “Shut up. Shut the fuck up.”

“There you are. I was wondering when the real you would make an appearance. We’ve had our fair share of experiences. You’ve backhanded me across the room, nearly crushed my ribs in your hold and left me with some beautiful bruises but we’ve never officially met. I’m Ayanna, the girl you couldn’t help but put your hands on.”

“Stop it.”

“You won’t get a chance to handle me again but you can get practice in with Joelle. She’s the mother of your child. What the hell, you might as well fit the full stereotype of the black and brown male.”

“What are you trying to do?”

“Nothing anymore. When you see Max, the other one, tell him that his best friend, the bitch who gave him eight years of her life is through. Let him know that shit between us isn’t salvageable, that he destroyed everything we could’ve had. I don’t know him. To tell you the truth, I really don’t know either of you. And another thing, that stalking routine you got going on, give it up. I see you anywhere near me or anybody else I know and Joelle is going to be a single mother.”

I walked away, up the stairs and back into the event that showed me like I was some enigma. I wasn’t. I wasn’t some fetishized fantasy to be depicted and defiled. I was real but we weren’t anymore. It didn’t seem like an appropriate ending through. All the time, all the energy, the bloodshed, the pain and devastation there had to be something else to conclude this. A gesture needed to be made. Yoshi and Leah followed behind me closely, not sure what to say about what they’d just heard. They knew about the abuse in basic terms but no details like that had been given. We walked in tense silence for a few minutes when I stopped and turned.

“One of you mind getting the ride? I’ll stay here.”

I tossed the keys. Yoshi caught them. “I’m on it,” she said simply. She gave Leah a pointed look, telling her to keep me from manhandling any unsuspecting passersby. I appeared calm but after what she’d witnessed, she wasn’t taking any chances. Leah stood next to me, not knowing what to say.

“Ayanna…are you okay?”

“Mmhm.” I pushed up my cheeks and nodded like I’d never been better. She couldn’t see how that was possible but since I wasn’t making any rash movements, Leah decided not to talk about my mini-meltdown. Like a real friend, she allowed me my silence. Yoshi pulled up and Leah proceeded to get in but I went around the back. I took out what I needed and casually walked across the street where a Jaguar XJS V12 sat. It was an original from 1986. Classic shit but soon it was going to be extinct. I really hoped the driver of it was up to date with her insurance. I placed the red container on the ground and swung my tire iron like Sosa in his prime. The windshield crashed in, glass littering that lovely leather interior. The alarm went off as I gave the same treatment to the other windows.

Yoshi jumped out of my car. “The fuck are you doing?” she shouted.

I held my finger up. I needed a minute. Picking up the red container I doused the car with my emergency gass. My cigarettes and my matchbook came out next. I struck, holding my hand over the small flame as I lit tobacco.

“Ayanna, no!”

That was Leah for you. She knew me and my capacity to cause trouble but it was too late. I threw it and the car went up in flames. It wasn’t very exciting to begin with but soon it burned angry and fierce and beautiful. I undid my shades and placed them on. Behind black lenses I watched my creation consume. Metal twisted and snapped, the heat brushing my face with a harshness I found strangely appealing. I inhaled my smoke, let the cloves hit my lungs hard before I exhaled deep all the while enjoying the view.

I’d set off a bonfire.

Not because I wanted to damage property or because I had some private urge to be a pyromaniac, this was a motherfuckling cleanse. As absolvement of something that was no more. There was nothing left between Max and I. Three more pulls and I flicked my cigarette away, successfully having my Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale moment and walked off. People had stepped outside by then and were peeking through windows. It wasn’t fireworks but a couple tons of metal being charred was still a spectacle. Especially when a small explosion rocked the ground. I was in the back of my car by then, waiting patiently for my girls to get with the program. When both doors slammed shut, two pairs of eye focused on me.

“That’s not his car,” Leah pointed out.

“No, it’s hers.”

Guilt by association. I was going with the premise currently. You laid down with someone and you could get got right with them.

“You’re a regular Timothy McVeigh,” Yoshi said. Her sarcasm was as dry as Seinfeld’s. It was the most serious I’d seen her. She was concerned but she didn’t need to be. I was chill. I offered them a knowing smirk as reassurance that I hadn’t just flown over the cuckoo’s nest.

“C’mon guys, I’m looking to get a drink and to have some form of Skype sex with my man, let’s get the fuck out of here. My work here is done.”

I eyed the fire with a lack of interest as we pulled off, not bothering to glance at it again.

It didn’t serve a purpose.

From this point on, there was no looking back for me ♥

August 31 2014, 07:19 PM
This story is life honestly like oven been so into it's ridiculous. I was starting to think some of the best stories on tumblr don't get that many notes but they get a whole lot of feedback and u proved me correct cuz I kno I'm a loyal reader but I don't like chapters I leave feedback. And ur story is fuckin amazing boo

THANK YOU. Really appreciate you saying that. Likes are cool but that’s not the only measure of success in my book and you pointed that out. So glad you’ve stuck with the story. We’re almost at the end which is becoming a relief to me ♥

August 25 2014, 09:42 AM

Glass Heart V: A Short



One woman.

One question.

The only question that counted when it came to me.

I thought about it, tried to sort out how I had come to this place. Regular mental functioning was not a luxury for me these days but for the millionth fucking time, I tried. I sat back in hard plastic, running my hands over my sweats. From there, I glanced down at my socks and issued foam sandals. This getup wasn’t doing much for my sense of style but who was checking for labels in here? I had traded in Balmain, Tom Ford and FEMME for rubber soles, scrubs and smocks. I wasn’t going to be on any best dressed lists anymore but I wasn’t losing sleep over that. My chronic insomnia had a far more interesting source.

The question, or more so the answer, kept me from closing my eyes at night.

I looked up, disoriented almost, missing the pair of cool blue eyes fixated squarely on me. They were different from the last pair but familiar. The others before were Henny brown, just as warm as the inside of her thighs. I couldn’t figure out why but they gave me her as the first one. I guess I was supposed to be subdued by a straight lady in her forties but she was nothing but a mark. So ill-equipped to deal with the likes of me that conquering her was almost boring. I had two fingers deep in my married mother of two before the ink had dried on my first assessment. Her professional opinion changed of course after our little interaction was discovered but I did that on purpose. Anybody that folded that quick to a conniving smile and the promise of phenomenal head, wasn’t for me. Of course my process of selection had scared away the others. I’d gone from hopelessly demented to a sex fiend with predatory tendencies. They had it all wrong. I wasn’t a hunter. How could I be when my kills made their way to me? Ever since then I had trouble identifying them by anything but eyes and parts.

That wasn’t an issue with this one.

Our past made this slightly easier but history wasn’t enough to get a straight answer out of me. She knew that from experience. I decided that I couldn’t give her what she asked for but I could offer some insight. She knew me then, not now.

"I don’t know,” I said contemplating, “after a while, all the bad things, all the things that pose a threat to you and your life, start to feel good because that’s just how screwed things are in your head. You start enjoying the perverse. You like the pain because at least you can understand that. Happiness, joy, what the fuck is that anymore? The concept of those two things are so utterly foreign that you wouldn’t recognize that shit if it knocked you dead in the face. You can’t see good and when you can, what are you supposed to do with it? It never lasts. Nothing lasts. That’s just how life is, temporary but the hurt, you can reach that. You can always access it because which do you remember: the sting or the caress? I can’t speak for anybody else but I hold onto the agony because hate, distress, malice It feeds you. One thing holds true about the world is that there’s always more bad than good. Good dies at first fire. Good offers no remuneration. You don’t get rewarded for good but bad? Bad gives you everything you can’t admit you want. It taps into that sordid part of you and it makes you aware of things you didn’t know we’re there. Bad is good. Bad makes you who you really are."

“And who are you Ayanna?”

“Criminally insane. That’s what I’m supposed to be copping to right? I’m supposed to admit to being bat-shit crazy.”

“Is that what you think?”

“It’s what I know. This is how this goes. There has to be an explanation. A double homicide and subsequent psychiatric hold has to spelled out, it’s gotta symbolize something. Why else would someone kill so barbarically? For the enjoyment alone? That’s not who I am.”

“And who are you?”

“To some, I’m filth. I’m deplorable, morally bankrupt, inhumane. To others, I’m the making of a modern day cult classic. I’m like the poster child for those too modest to carry out their twisted fantasies. I had some notoriety before with the pastimes and the company I kept but I’ll be cashing in on notoriety if things keep going the way they are. I’m getting fan art, Doc. Some dude from Ohio made me into some noir villain. AK the Deadliest Gun he titled it. I’m fucking iconography to them but then there’s the last segment of the public. They’re the ones  pathetic enough to give me sympathy. They believe I’m sick.”

“And you don’t think that of yourself?” She flipped through my file, the thickness of it, rivaling a novel. “Your three prior therapists all noted that you seemed to have no remorse for your actions, that you found enjoyment in them even.”

“I guess they weren’t as useless as they looked. Their deductions weren’t half bad. I regret nothing and you couldn’t pay me to feel bad about that. Doesn’t mean I’m sick though. Look at who you’ve dealt with, you’ve seen sick. Sick irrational. Sick is tossing acid onto the face of a woman who was gangbanged against her will. Sick is shooting an unarmed black teenager then leaving his corpse in the street to be cooked well done in the sun. Sick to me is organized religion. I’m not sick. All I am is scorned. Might not appear that way but I’m not aimless. That’s not how I choose to view things.”

“How do you view things?”

“You’ve heard of the Butterfly Effect, haven’t you? Apply that logic to my set of circumstances. One small occurrence offsets everything after and it has. The minute our blood mixed…” I paused, attempting to steady the anxiety that threatened every time I remembered. “The minute our blood mixed,” I said louder, my eyes closed, “all of my actions from then on were decided.” I opened my eyes and took a staggering breath. “I never realized until that night but there’s this beautiful clarity in chaos. My mind is wilderness more often than not but it wasn’t then. People want to believe that there’s such a thing as coincidence but it don’t exist. Random is a figment. Real motherfuckers know that. I don’t expect anyone to understand what I did but all those looking from the outside in should know one thing.”

My old friend Dr. Schafer removed her glasses to stare at me. “What’s that?”

“There’s a reason behind everything I do.” I shook my head and smiled bitterly. “Nah, I’m not sick. I’m fucking justified. I got what was due” ♥

August 24 2014, 05:14 PM
Where's naji?

You’ll see ♥

August 24 2014, 05:11 PM
Did you take down the character page?

I did 

August 24 2014, 05:11 PM
I began this story maybe two weeks ago and I'm totally caught up. This is the best thing I've ever read. Not just on Tumblr, period. And I'm a reader. Thank you for what you do.

THANK YOU for bothering to say this to me ♥

August 18 2014, 08:12 PM

"We kissed and even though we were exhausted we began again. With urgency, I turned her over, placing her on all fours. Out of my mind with lust and love and hunger I had never known, I sank my teeth into her wonderful ass. I slapped it after, eliciting a deep groan of approval. We were already down three but at the rate we were going and considering how mad I was for her, twenty one climaxes was looking more and more like a modest estimate. We connected, our bodies merging over and over. It was paradise. She felt like the afterward because I couldn’t be alive and feel this good but the extreme bliss didn’t help. No matter how many times there were, I couldn’t get close enough.

I wasn’t truly satisfied.

I didn’t realize it now but later I would.

My need for her was a curse disguised as a blessing 


August 18 2014, 08:03 PM



He was uneasy.

My internationally known, once drug slinging, now reformed bad boy from Brixton was uneasy.

I think when he promised to give me whatever I wanted, he hadn’t been expecting this. I wasn’t trying to place him in an uncomfortable situation but tonight I was channeling my inner Anais Nin. Like her, I had no taste for anything vanilla. Like my writer role model, I wanted the absurd, the questionable, the abnormal. The married senior citizens up ahead were just going to further my agenda. The late hour, the relative seclusion—it said they wanted privacy. They had probably have an evening stroll, maybe they’d gone on a date before and now they were simply having conversation. Me and Mosai here were going to give them even more to talk about. I gave him a nod of encouragement and walked toward them. He didn’t want to do this. It crossed some level of wrong in his head but he’d have a change of heart soon enough. Together we approached, looking every bit the attractive youngsters they’d been years ago. We were well-dressed and seemingly harmless. I hated that I had to crush their assumptions but I had some desires and as fate would have it, they were going to play a crucial part. In order to make this less awkward for everyone, I decided to introduce us.

“Hi,” I said politely. “I’m Ayanna and this is Mosai. He’s my boyfriend of an hour or so and he made me this pact that I could have anything I wanted tonight and I decided that I want to fuck him in front of you. I hope you don’t mind.”

Mosai was quietly embarrassed but sat on the bench opposite of them and unzipped his pants. He sprang forward, already wrapped for my enjoyment. This might be taboo to him but the forbidden always had a way of making you hard. I lifted my dress. It was no surprise that I had nothing on underneath. Holding the material up around my waist, I moved over him.

Foreplay wasn’t going to be put into play in this instance. I was going for the gold. Inside, he went. I made a growling sound. We were just getting started and my knees were buckling. You already know how I felt about the first entrance. It was something like magic, otherworldly, as religious as a girl like me was going to get. With great concentration, I tried to go slow and savor every sensation but every time I pushed down on him, he touched me where it hurt. Where it felt like I could black out. I needed that. Repeatedly. I picked up pace, twisted my hips while I found the right rhythm. I don’t know how but I seemed to forget we had a captive audience. I couldn’t imagine this getting any better but their expressions made a good thing, a great thing.

There was shock, there was anxiousness and then, here was curiosity.

Pops realized  that he was watching live sex and how morally wrong that was. He stood, about to take his church-going woman away from active sin but old girl wouldn’t budge. She sat there engrossed. Grandma was enticed. This wasn’t Wheel of Fortune, this was straight fucking. Her man sat back down, trying not to look but not able to look away. I laughed but it turned into a long moan. I had to get at this from a different angle. I bent over holding the snakes around my ankles and proceeded to bounce my ass. I peeked through my hair, holding on for the ride.

“I know this is disrespectful but I just can’t help it. He’s mine now and I just want to take advantage. You know what that’s like right? When you’re so heated for someone you’re likely to do anything? Would you look at him, who wouldn’t want some of that?” I said.

Grandma pepped Mosai closer and sat up in her seat like some action was happening with her too. This man was a model. The god-given looks were a given but there was more to his sex appeal. The body was crazy, the tattoos and that something extra that made you have to cross your legs. He was a walking wet dream and sparking something in our spectator. I sat back and put Mosai’s arms around me. He was still shy, trying to preserve some dignity but he was also holding me with an unrelenting grip. I turned my head and kissed him.

“Say hi, Mosai.”

“Hello, ma’am. Damn.”

I beamed as he cupped my breasts. He was going to pop and so was I but we had a request. Grandma was openly interested now. “Can I see?” she asked.

I leaned back against Mosai’s shoulder, running my hands against his arms. “Babe help me out.”

He grabbed the top of my dress and pulled it down. My B cups were exposed and it felt nice. There was nothing like having air on your skin and the appreciation of another. Grandma looked like she loved what she was seeing but I wanted to get her man involved. Mosai was handling me up top so I worked the bottom. I opened my legs wider, giving them a front row view. The dual senses of him filling me up and me rubbing my clit were going to put me in shock. All the noise I was making wasn’t for anyone’s benefit but my own but Grandpa reluctantly looked. I caught his eye and held it even when he pretended to be disgusted. He was pretending because his nicely starched slacks were stretching out in a certain area.

“How does it feel?” Grandma asked.

“Like heaven,” I sighed. “Better probably.” I was vibrating, that indescribable feeling radiating through me. My eyes threatened to roll back, every part of my drowning. Mosai pressed his face into my shoulder breathing raggedly.

“I would like to see,” Grandma said. “The both of you.”

I nodded. “Did you hear that Blondie? Don’t stop until you have to.”

“You don’t either. I want you to come Kelly. Can you do that for me?” Mosai asked.

“You know it.”

He gripped the back of my neck, pushing me forward so I was teetering in my heels. I thought it could get no better but with this position, I lost it. I dug my nails into my own thighs, my grimace scary. An orgasm ripped through me, my legs going all over the place. I couldn’t stop moving because it felt that good. The duration couldn’t have been more than a minute or two but the aftershocks were nothing to mess with. I suffered through the tremors, that wonderful pain and then I focused on him. In my mind, nothing counted until both parties reached a mutual finish.

“You there honey?”

Mosai wa still using me and if he kept on, I was going to pass out here. “Almost,” he groaned. “Almost.”

“Just say when.”

He clutched my hips, his strokes more frantic. “When.”

“Now?” I asked.

Now,” he thundered.

I got off of him and quickly removed the condom. Mosai reached for me, pressing his face into my chest as he heaved. I held his head, stroked his hair while he went through it. That beautiful part of him tilted upward and spewed. He shot out like a stream. The Mrs. eyes went wide. The performance was so good that she clapped. Mosai was weak. So weak that I had to help him to his feet. I carefully tucked him back into his pants and let my dress down.

“Thank you for your participation,” I said sweetly.

Granny touched her husband’s hand, her fingers slipping into his. “Thank you, young lady.”

I blew Pops a kiss and steered Mosai around the mess he’d made on the ground. We exited the park. We didn’t speak for a moment as we began walking to the hotel. Finally, Mosai broke the quiet.

“Are you going to say something?”

I glanced over at him. “Only that we have one orgasm down and twenty more to go.”

He smirked, keeping his hand on my ass as we walked, while we checked in and until we got to the room. It was plush, laid like some stuff you saw on tv but I wasn’t fixated on the ornate decor. I cared about the man in front of me. I don’t know how it was for me before. I guess I was wrapped up in other things, in other people but right here, right now, I was unbelievably overwhelmed with how I felt for him that I was going to break open.

He had me on my knees before but now I was splayed.

I loved this motherfucker.

For once, that love wasn’t tainted or marred by something else. We had no familial link, no drawn out saga-like history that would cloud my judgment and make me lose my life. We were pure. As pure as two people in this day and age could be. He was my shot at normalcy and I was going to take it.

Mosai swept his hands from my shoulders up to my face. “What’s your fantasy?”

Once upon a time that might’ve been a complex question to answer but now it was crystal clear. “Besides letting an elderly pair watch us have sex? You. You’re my fantasy. I want you to get whatever it is you need. Anything. I will do anything for you just as long as it’s what you want. I’m here only for you.” I took my dress off and stood there.

“Now what are you going to do about that?”


Her words stirred something in me.

Or it could’ve been the vehemence in her eyes while she spoke. Ayanna told you like it was but this was a whole other level to that. I had stayed rigid since the park, for the whole walk here. I’d done what I never had before, was feeling a way I hadn’t in so long all because of her. She made me want to sing and I couldn’t carry a tune. I wanted to do cartwheels and run through the street professing my feelings because I was loosing my damn mind. I didn’t want it back though. My blood was boiling, most of it shooting to specific areas.

It was a toss up between my heart and my penis.

Things were becoming a rage for me.

I think I had other ideas about how I wanted this to go but as the night had already predicted, surprises were in store. I stroked her face, gripped it harder than I meant to. If she were another woman, if she wasn’t my woman, she might take my gesture the wrong way but she understood. She got that she was my priority now, that I loved her in a way I couldn’t fully fathom. That much power laid behind my eyes. She saw it and it stunned her. My Kelly stared up at me like a deer caught in headlights right then. I was making her nervous and she didn’t try to hide it.

I kissed her slowly, made her think I was in the mood to make love when my mind was set on ravishing her. I grabbed her hair, pulling it on top of her head while I walked her backwards toward the waiting bed. I pushed her to lay down. Our lips met again, her trying to bring me down on top of her. I resisted the calling to plunder her, we’d get there soon enough. I caressed her most sensitive part, that soft flesh between her legs like satin, her heat mind-altering but I wanted more.

“When I come back,” I said, “you’d better be ready.”

I got up, leaving the room.

In the front area of the suite, I called to the main desk, requesting candles. I lowered the lighting and docked my iPhone, searching for the right mood music. When I found it, I undressed, answering the door five minutes later completely nude.

“Sir, you asked for candles but you didn’t specify how many. Is ten enough?” The uniformed valet kept a cool facade as he wheeled the cart in.

“For now,” I said finding my pants. I fished out cash tipping him heavily. “I apologize for my lack of clothing.”

“No need Sir. I’ve seen stranger things.”

With that he backed out, knowingly placing the “DO NOT DISTURB” tag on the door. He had the right idea. I wanted no interference for the foreseeable future. I lit half of the candles, took the media remote and pushed the cart into the bedroom. Ayanna was still in bed, patiently waiting. She was past beautiful as she layed there. With a raised eyebrow, she looked from my erection to the candles.

“Either you started the party without me or it’s my birthday. Either way I’m interested.”

“Close your eyes,” I told her, “and don’t open them until I say you can. Only feel.”

“Feel what?”


I dragged her body to the end of the bed and leaned down as I separated her legs. I kissed the inside of her thighs, avoiding what she really wanted me to kiss. I tormented her until she was twitching, until I had her where I wanted her. I pushed her legs toward the headboard, making her hold them out of my way. I had a task.

“Mosai, I appreciate all this time and attention but—”

“But you want my tongue,” I said giving her that. “And my fingers.” I gave her those. “And something to drown out your moans.”

I hit play on the remote, FKA Twig’s hypnotic voice filling the space. Papi Pacify played. The selection was purposeful, just for her, but Ayanna failed to notice at that time. I had already buried my face against her flower, savoring the taste. I could never understand how foolish some men were about this. It was a man’s privilege to pleasure a woman this way. Eating pussy was a delicacy and should be treated that way. I didn’t become this intimate with the majority of my past partners but when I did decide to have my meal, I ate like I was starving. I dragged my tongue up and down her slit before hooking it under her clit. Ayanna squirmed, gripped my head. I threw her hands off, smiling to myself as I bit down gently. She lost hold on one of her legs then and I promptly shoved it back.

“Let go again and I’ll stop,” I threatened. I worked her more, eyeing the candles I had lit. I picked one up carefully  and held it near. “I won’t hurt you,” I said stroking her thigh. “Not permanently.”

Ayanna turned her head from side to side, writing. “That’s comforting.”

I placed my lips back inside hers and tilted the candle. Hot wax hit her stomach. Ayanna jerked and gasped, the pain sharp but delicious. I tried it again, receiving the same response. I spilled the rest, leaving a trail across her belly. She arched, opened her mouth like she wanted to speak but there were no words for this. I continued that treatment until the wax had dried on her skin, the path reaching her Brazilian. We’d been at it for a while but with my fingers buried deeply inside her and tilted upwards, she grew stiff, her muscles  shaking slightly. She was choking on her own air until she couldn’t breath at all. When I felt the outpour, I knew what was happening. She realized when it was all over.

“I just…”

“Yes you did,” I said proudly.

“I’ve never before. I mean, I’ve been almost there but there was never any proof.”

“Now there is.” I took her ankles in one hand and tossed the duvet cover on the floor. Ayanna had come, leaking onto it. Her pleasure had seeped out of her, rendering her helpless. The female ejaculation was no mythical thing. It was very much real. A peak I was happy to contribute to.

“How about we jump right into round three,” she suggested. She dug under a pillow and pulled out a string of condoms. I laughed and reached for one but she yanked it back. “No, no, no, let me do the honors.”

She stared up at me while placing one on me but gave me the courtesy of positioning her. I put her on her back, our eyes locking as I was welcomed back inside her. She ran her hands up my arms, her expression priceless.

“Go slow,” she told me. “I want to see.”

“Do you now? Then we should probably get you a better view.” I took the extra pillows by her head and placed them underneath her rear. It hoisted her up until she could clearly watch my movements. I adhered to her speed, took my time slipping in and out of her as she slowly drove me insane. The music stopped but Ayanna fumbled for the remote. Papi Pacify started all over again.

She said, “You couldn’t have picked a better song. Her voice, the lyrics…I can’t fucking get enough.”

“Yeah? Why don’t you sing it for me?”

Knees sinking into the mattress, I brought her up, gripping her backside like it was the only thing keeping me alive. Ayanna wrapped herself around me, one arm over one shoulder, another under the other. Her legs folded around my waist, her nails going into my back. She was sweating. I was sweating. Both of us were feverish but so unwilling to let go. Skin against skin, we grinded into each other as she kept up with Twig’s as best she could. She was off-key, voice strained but you couldn’t tell me she didn’t sound like an angel. Her tone was throaty, hoarse but so damn sexy. Then she inhaled, gasped one last time and put me over. Her body contracted around me, spasms squeezing around my shaft. She was out of commission after that, not able to perform at all. Her voice got lost as another orgasm followed the first. I didn’t reach mine until she was slumped against me, whispering in my ear to “keep it up and that I better not stop.”

I couldn’t anyway.

I was delirious, my thrusts practically involuntary. When I reached that inevitable point, I think I let all of Manhattan know. I collapsed, taking her body down with me. I went blank for the longest. The only thing I could do was attempt to catch my breath. Ayanna rubbed my back like she felt sorry for me.

“You went for broke man.”

“So did you.”

“Had to. I gotta step my game up to yours.”

“No need. We’re nearly equals.”

“Nearly? Fuck you, I was being modest.”

“Fuck me? You just did. Thoroughly.”

She slapped me on the rear and shoved me off her. “I’m going to remember that for our next turn. I’m going to ruin you.” Ayanna peeled my protection off carefully, apparently wanting this turn sooner rather than later.

“I look forward to it,” I yelled she walked naked to the bathroom. When she returned I pulled her down on the bed, shifting on my side. “Tell me again.”

She didn’t ask what I meant. Touching my lips, she smiled and said the words. “I love you.”

“Until when?”

She tapped her chin, giving it some thought. “Until 3005.”

“You know that’s forever for us right? I have you now, there’s no way I’m giving you back.”

We kissed and even though we were exhausted we began again. With urgency, I turned her over, placing her on all fours. Out of my mind with lust and love and hunger I had never known, I sank my teeth into her wonderful ass. I slapped it after, eliciting a deep groan of approval. We were already down three but at the rate we were going and considering how mad I was for her, twenty one climaxes was looking more and more like a modest estimate. We connected, our bodies merging over and over. It was paradise. She felt like the afterward because I couldn’t be alive and feel this good but the extreme bliss didn’t help. No matter how many times there were, I couldn’t get close enough.

I wasn’t satisfied.

I didn’t realize it now but later I would.

My need for her was a curse disguised as a blessing


We couldn’t stop.

We were bordering on being sickening and still we couldn’t stop.

It was like we were two magnets perpetually attracted to each other. Mosai and I, we couldn’t keep from sucking face. It probably looked disgusting but it felt like magic. This love thing, it was that. This wasn’t my first time descending into this but it was the first time I wasn’t wearing any guilt with it. I was free and clear of any wrongdoing on this one. I could say without a doubt that I loved him deeper, stronger than before. It had only been two days. Two days and I was drunk off of him.

Let’s not even mention the unlikely amount of sex we’d had.

We had met and surpassed the goal set. Every surface in that hotel room had been christened. The bathroom floor, the shower, the counter, the balcony (no less than five times), a desk, a couch, up against several wall, in windows…you get what I’m saying. I was bruised, I was sore, I was fucking happy.

But not so much now.

“Before you know it, I’ll be back,” Mosai assured me. “We’ll do anything you want then.”

“I’m holding you to that just be safe okay? No dark alleys, sketchy neighborhoods and don’t talk to strangers.”

He kissed my forehead at the gate, wrapping his arms around me. “I talked to you and look how well that went.”

I grinned and put my head against his shoulder. “You lucked out man.”

“Of course I did.”

We kissed repeatedly before the flight attendant cleared his throat. “Sir, that was the last call.”

“I love you,” Mosai said using his hold to emphasize his words.

“Love you, lover.”

He stood there like he couldn’t move. I pushed him. “Go. You can’t come back until you go.”

He walked away, looking over his shoulder. I blew him a kiss. He winked. I watched until he disappeared then turned, feeling lost for a minute. My bubble was burst as I made my way back to my car. I was so screwed up, I couldn’t even play music. I sat there in complete silence the whole way from JFK. I had no real aim today since Yoshi was taking some personal time.

With Rodney.

I heard his voice on the other end of the line. Her and him were enjoying each other’s company but she promised me a late night of strategizing and planning tomorrow with the FEMME team. Leah was figuring out traveling plans, getting things together for her trip so for the very near future, it was just me. Since I had so much time on my hands I thought it would be good for me to check out an open house.

I really had no idea why I parked and followed the signs to the fifth floor. It was a walkup, one of those tenement buildings that still had an old-school flair. It didn’t look so run down though. Somebody had kept the small lobby freshly painted and swept. I got to the highest floor and knew for certain that I was out of shape. I looked for other doors to signify other apartments but there were only one set of large double doors toward the middle of the hallway. I understood why when I entered them. This was a studio and a loft, the very open-floor plan enormous. The only wall in the place was shielding the bathroom. Ductwork ran the length of the 16-foot ceilings, windows with huge height running along three sides. The kitchen looked industrial, all chrome and steel. The wood floors had been loved but were original. Brick walls whitewashed. It wasn’t luxurious, shit it was spartan in quality but with a little TLC it could reach its potential. It said something to me.

Something like “buy me.”

I got approached by a suit who I was assuming was the agent. He looked like he had a sales pitch all ready to go but I was already sold. “How much?” I asked before he could use his opening line.

“We’re asking half a million and the owner isn’t willing to accept anything less.”

I could see that he’d thrown that in as a warning. I got it. A twenty-something black girl with big hair and an “interesting” taste in fashion couldn’t possibly have that amount of money on hand and therefore needed to be judged. It was shit like that that worked my nerves because little did he know I had the means to buy him if I wanted to.

I shot him a tight smile then looked around. “I’ll part with twenty percent more. All cash offer and I’m prepared to sign today contingent on an home inspection of course and two conditions.”

He brightened at those prospects. He could put away his racial cautiousness if it meant dollar signs. “Go ahead.”

“I need a quick closing.”

“How quickly?”


“And the other condition?”

“That I don’t deal with you.”

I watched him get flustered. He stepped away and called whoever would be replacing him. Somebody else would be getting this commission. With a wire transfer, a stack of paperwork and a thorough inspection, it took hours but that’s what happened when you made such an impulse purchase. Keys in hand, I went back to my spot and walked around the emptiness. I sat in the middle of the floor, then laid down.

This shit was a big step.

Not the owning part, the never having lived on my own part. It had never just been me someplace. Just my things, just myself. I don’t know what that was about but it was time that I do this. I loved the brownstone, it had been base for so long but change was happening all around. I had to just roll with it. This probably wouldn’t go over so well with Mosai but he’d get it. He couldn’t be too mad anyway. I’d only moved a neighborhood over to Clinton Hill. We were practically an arms reach away. I was more than willing to have sleepovers here and there. It would work out. It already was. I grinned to myself as I recalled the last two days of my life. I was still cheesing when I picked up my ringing phone.


“I was hoping I could reach you.”

I sat up too quickly, making my head hurt. It was the motion or maybe it was the person on the other end. “It’s been a while,” I said evenly.

“I know you weren’t expecting me to have your number but your roommate, that nice girl Leah, she gave it to me. I was calling because—”

“I know why you’re calling. There’s only one reason why you would be.”

“I suppose that is true. I ask you humbly if we could talk.”

I took a deep breath. “We can. Is your place in a couple of hours okay?”

“It is. He will not be here Ayanna.”

I didn’t reply to that as I hung up.

It was funny how both of us had the same tense, apprehensive tone in our voices at the mere mention of our common factor. We were tiptoeing, being careful not to step on the broken glass or anything that might detonate on impact because that’s what he had become to his mother and I. Somehow I’d always felt it but now I knew it for sure.

Max was a ticking time bomb.

He could blow any minute 

August 18 2014, 07:26 PM
In chapter 42 it Says her body count went form 1-5 ..... 5? I thought just 3

Nope. Ayanna had some choice encounters with four others when she was with Max. Not that her body count means anything…♥

August 18 2014, 07:25 PM
can mosai be my 3005? ayanna deserves every bit of happiness coming her way.

I’m looking for one myself. Ayanna does deserve some happiness. She’ll get it. Temporarily ♥

August 12 2014, 09:10 PM
A bell chimed on the door when we entered, a scowling Latino behind the raised counter watching us as we went down a narrow aisle. I wanted something to drink but Mosai just wanted me. He grabbed me, kissing me in between rows of Windex and cans of soup. I wasn’t going to turn him away. It’d be an artic day in hell before I did that. I reared back, my hand become friendly with his crotch.
“You two, no sex in store. Take outside!”
The hawk-eyed clerk with the weight problem had caught us about to become explicit and apparently didn’t appreciate the entertainment. Grinning, I took a bottle out of the back refridgerator and went up to him. Mosai stood behind me nuzzling my neck and placing his hands all over. It reminded me of why we were really here.
“Rubbers,” I told the guy. “Magnums. I need every box you have” ♥
54: 3005

A bell chimed on the door when we entered, a scowling Latino behind the raised counter watching us as we went down a narrow aisle. I wanted something to drink but Mosai just wanted me. He grabbed me, kissing me in between rows of Windex and cans of soup. I wasn’t going to turn him away. It’d be an artic day in hell before I did that. I reared back, my hand become friendly with his crotch.

“You two, no sex in store. Take outside!”

The hawk-eyed clerk with the weight problem had caught us about to become explicit and apparently didn’t appreciate the entertainment. Grinning, I took a bottle out of the back refridgerator and went up to him. Mosai stood behind me nuzzling my neck and placing his hands all over. It reminded me of why we were really here.

“Rubbers,” I told the guy. “Magnums. I need every box you have” 

54: 3005